Earlier this week, I had a snack of beets and blueberries. The blueberries came first, and then I enjoyed a few slices of beet. I felt satisfied but decided to cleanse my palate with a few blueberries. Immediately afterward, I noticed that I felt hungry again. How strange! I can’t tell you exactly why this happened, but I can you I won’t be following beets with blueberries again.

I shared this interesting observation with a friend of mine, and she suggested that “beets and blueberries” sounded like the title of one of my blogs, so as I drove home, I considered what the related message would be.

Fairly quickly, I was reminded that just as it’s important to put healthy foods into our bodies, it’s important to put healthy, life-giving thoughts into our minds.

Too often I observe clients and friends and myself entertaining negative thoughts – as if it’s no big deal.

So what, I called myself a dummy. I do it all the time.

We got stuck in traffic … it was a disaster.

Today’s going to be a long day, I can already tell.

While we are not able to stop all negative thoughts from coming into our minds, we do have a choice in how we respond to them. We can embrace them and hang out like old pals, or we can let them float on by.

Did you know that your brain responds to stimuli similarly – regardless of whether it comes through your optic nerve (i.e., from something tangible that you see) or from your imagination (i.e., something you think)???

Thoughts and mental visualizations cause physical changes in our brains. The more these are repeated, the more the experience is etched into our brains. Our brains will then work to resolve the cognitive dissonance – that is, the difference between where we are now and what we imagine or think.

For example:

where we are now = not a dummy       vs.

what we imagine or think = a dummy

Over time, our brains will work to make our thoughts become a reality.

So, our thoughts do matter. In fact, they matter very much.

What thoughts are you going to let feed your mind today?

By now, I hope you have created a list your money scripts. (If not, please start with the first entries in this series … 1, 2, 3.). Perhaps you are even continuing to add to your list as you discover new ones. Great! Let’s start working on them.

Look over your list. What themes do you notice? Patterns? Repeats? The most frequent? Most annoying? Any of these could be a good place to start.

Pick one script and walk through the same restructuring process I introduced in the Taking out the Mental Trash series. Let’s give one a go together for practice …

Just for fun, we can use one of mine…

1. Give an example of a distressing thought you had during the past few days.

Context: In order to launch Vineyard Counseling, there were a lot of expenses involved. Furniture, lease, business license, insurance, supplies, and the list went on and on.  While building my client base, I worked some from home, so the idea of a laptop was appealing.

My automatic thought was “You have to spend money to make money.” (While this wasn’t necessarily a distressing thought, I did recognize that I needed to examine it, so this process is still useful.)

2. Review the list of thinking error types and identify the errors in your thoughts.

“have to” is a “should” in disguise

3. Is this thought true? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

Some times, but not always. I could not legally start the practice without certain expenses, such as a business license. I could not expect clients to find me without spending money on marketing. I would not function well without a computer, but I had a desktop at home and a desktop at the office, so a laptop was not a necessity. Conclusion: In this case, I did not have to spend money on a laptop in order to make money.

4. To what extent is this thought true (e.g., some times, occasionally, often)? Look out for words like always and never.

There was an unstated or implied “never” (as in “You can never make money without spending money.”)

5. Check for emotionally charged words, such as labels (e.g., stupid, jerk, devastating, horrible). Maintain perspective.

Nothing obvious here.

6. Realistically consider the worst case scenario – briefly. If the thought is true, how will you survive, cope, and overcome the situation?

Obviously, I could function without a laptop, as I did have a desktop.

7. Talk to yourself compassionately. Note the positive.

I can reconsider this decision later.

8. Based on your work above, create a substitute thought that is accurate, realistic, and maintains perspective.

While it would be nice to have a laptop, it is not a necessity at this time. Later, once the practice grows, I will reevaluate and may purchase a laptop at that time. (Side note: I’m happy to share that the laptop soon became a practical option, and I’ve been enjoying the investment ever since!)

Now, try one from your own experiences.

In the next entry, I’ll show you one more tool for managing your Money Scripts.

Step 1: Identify your Money Scripts

Money Scripts are the automatic thoughts we have in regards to money.

Here’s another exercise to help you “stir the pot” and continue to gather evidence as to what your relationship with money is like. (Remember: “Money” refers to all types of financial / material means.)

Exercise 3: Sentence Completion (Remember not to filter or judge; just write down what comes to mind.)

Wealthy people …

The poor are poor because…

Parents owe their children …

Financially, I deserve to …

I believe that giving …

One should never spend money for …

One should always spend money for …

Debt is …

The difference between the rich and the poor is …

Things would have been alright if I had never …

The relationship between God and money is …

The difference between love and money is …

The dumbest thing someone can do with money is …

Because I … I will never …

When I was little, I was told that money …

The wisest thing someone can do with money is …

Financial freedom is …

You can count on money to …

Never trust money to …

Being rich means …

I will always be able to …

Money should be …

It’s likely that this exercise will bring to mind other Money Scripts. Continue to write these down as they come to you. The more you know about your current relationship with money, the better equipped you’ll be to begin reshaping it into something more desirable.

Next week, we’ll begin walking through a process of examining the Scripts you’ve identified. Stay tuned!

We cannot change a reality we deny exists, so if you want to enhance your relationship with money, you must first know what it presently is. In this and the next post, I’ll introduce you to simple exercises you can use to “stir the pot” and begin to gather evidence as to what your relationship with money is like. (Remember: “Money” refers to all types of financial / material means.)

Step 1: Identify your Money Scripts

Money Scripts are the automatic thoughts we have in regards to money.

Exercise 1: Brainstorming

Take out a blank sheet of paper. Read through the following list – one item at a time – and consider how each relates to money. Write down whatever pops into your mind.

Don’t filter! Don’t judge! Don’t rationalize!

The key to brainstorming is to let the thoughts flow freely and easily. There will be time later to consider what you have written down.

Give yourself 15-30 seconds with each word, then move on to the next. Remember, there is no right or wrong answer – simply write down what first comes to mind.

Wealth

Happiness

Success

Debt

Family

Obligations

Work

Taxes

Saving

Pain

Values

Trust

Luck

Spending

Children

Bankruptcy

Harmony

Conflict

Regret

Shopping

Rights

Poverty

Inheritance

Giving

Fantasy

Honesty

God

If there are other words you’d like to brainstorm, go for it! Add them to your list. This exercise will help you practice noticing your thoughts.

Exercise 2: Real-time Tracking

Over the next week, keep an ongoing log of your thoughts regarding money. While you’re in a store, paying bills, considering your work, parenting children, chatting with friends, day dreaming … what are your Money Scripts? Write these down.

Remember, this isn’t a matter of “good” or “bad” – it is what it is. Each script is evidence of the experiences that have shaped your relationship with money into what it is today. They are grist for the mill of enhancing your relationship with money.

First, a little background ….

I started out my professional life as a CPA working in the field of wealth management. Through that work, I realized that we each have a relationship with money – and this relationship drives not only our financial choices but also our day-to-day life choices. It is like a mirror to our relationships with other people as well as “things” such as work, health, recreation, financial assets, and material possessions.

All too frequently, I observed that a client’s relationship with money robbed him/ her of their desired relationships with family or friends, of work-life balance, or of peace of mind. I wanted to refer them to someone for assistance, but could not find anyone to whom to refer. Over time, I realized that I was being called to meet this need – to help others enhance their relationships with money so that they could lead more authentic and fulfilling lives. This is the aim of Financial Therapy.

Through Financial Therapy, clients learn about their current relationship with money. Some times they learn how it became what it is, but more importantly, they develop the tools with which to redefine the relationship.

Since financial distress strongly contributes to depression, anxiety, relationship issues, and a host of other problems, developing a healthy relationship with money can enhance all areas of life – physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual. And that is why I am so passionate about Financial Therapy.

Over the next few weeks, I will be introducing you to some of the basic tools utilized in Financial Therapy. I encourage you to embrace these and let them work for you. If you find you cannot do it on your own, please let me know how I can help.

There’s a song by Relient K called High of 75. It’s been a favorite of mine ever since it came out a few years ago. I was reminded of this song today as I stepped outside and felt invigorated by the beautiful blue-sky, spring-like weather day.

I like High of 75 for at least two reasons (in addition to its cheerful beat).

1) is because Spring is my absolute favorite season. For me, you just can’t beat blue skies and warm weather. 65-85 is my favorite temperature range. So this song is about my kind of day.

2) is because it speaks to the importance of hope. The chorus starts out “And now I’m sunny with a high of 75 since You took my heavy heart and made it light.”

Hope is priceless. It keeps us pressing on despite present circumstances.

There was a study of hope that involved rats. In the first part, a rat was placed in a tank of water, and the researchers measured how long he would paddle (i.e., how long before he gave up. And yes, the little guy was plucked out at that point.) In the second part, the procedure was the same except that the paddling rat could now witness one of his rat buddies getting rescued from the water in which he was paddling.

The researchers found that the rats in the second scenario paddled for a significantly longer period of time. Why, you ask? Because seeing his buddy rat getting rescued gave the little guy hope that the situation wasn’t doomed – that if he persisted, he, too, could be rescued.

Hope is priceless.

So I ask, who are your wet rats??? Who helps encourage you? Who feeds your hope?

No man is an island. We are wired for community.

If you’re in a stuck place, I encourage you to reach out for help. Reconnect with friends. Let them know what’s really going on. Put down the “Everything’s fine” mask.

If you need professional help, get it. But don’t let that substitute for the development of authentic friendships.

I once heard a pastor say that friendships are like bridges – different ones can sustain different levels of weight. It’s great to have “5-ton friendships,” but we need “10-ton” and “20-ton” friendships, too, as life can get heavy at times.

You could get hurt. It’s true. But it’s worth the risk. Who knows, you could connect with another wet rat, who could help feed your hope.

I’ll share with you a little known fact – most of my blog entries are written in a sauna.  Yep! My husband says I’m “baking like a potato,” and I love it. It’s one of my “happy places.”

One reason is because I know it’s good for me. My tolerance for the heat has built up over time, so I no longer watch the timer. I simply relax while my body uses one of its natural mechanisms (sweating) to get rid of toxins.

(For some tips on how to get rid of mental “toxins,” see the previous blog series “Taking Out the Mental Trash.”)

Another reason I love a sauna is because it’s one of the few times during the week when I’m totally by myself in a serene environment.  As someone inclined toward introversion, I need this time to recharge. The dim, relatively quiet environment offers few distractions.

Over time, my mind has learned that this is what I do. A good workout clears my mind and slows my thoughts. Then I hop into the sauna to “bake like a potato” and write. It’s a time I look forward to.

What about you? What are your happy places? Where do you go  - on a regular basis – to recharge?

Last week I introduced you to a series of thinking errors (i.e., distorted ways of thinking). I invited you to familiarize yourself with these patterns and to begin monitoring your thoughts to see which ones you engage in the most.

This week, I’ll walk you through a process of exploring stressful thoughts to see if they are true, accurate, complete ….. There is value in working the process on paper, so please write down your responses.

The first step of the process is often the most challenging. To start, you need to identify a specific thought. Not a description of a situation. Not who said what. But instead, what exactly was going through your mind. If a court reporter could see what was going on between your ears, what would they note down. Don’t worry, this can get easier with practice.

1. Give an example of a distressing thought you had during the past few days.

2. Review the list of thinking error types and identify the errors in your thoughts.

3. Is this thought true? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

4. To what extent is this thought true (e.g., some times, occasionally, often)? Look out for words like always and never.

5. Check for emotionally charged words, such as labels (e.g., stupid, jerk, devastating, horrible). Maintain perspective.

6. Realistically consider the worst case scenario – briefly. If the thought is true, how will you survive, cope, and overcome the situation?

7. Talk to yourself compassionately. Note the positive.

8. Based on your work above, create a substitute thought that is accurate, realistic, and maintains perspective.

Let’s go through an example together …

1. Give an example of a distressing thought you had during the past few days.

(Situation: Ed, the superbly wonderful program administrator I had worked with for years, announced his resignation.)

My reaction – Automatic / first thoughts: I don’t want to work here without him. This stinks. No one will ever be as good as him. I don’t want to work with anyone else. (And the mental temper-tantrum went on…)

2. Review the list of thinking error types and identify the errors in your thoughts.

The following thinking errors were contained in these thoughts:

All or nothing thinking: No one else could ever be good enough.

Filtering: I was not letting myself consider that something good could come from the situation – for him or for me.

Jumping to conclusions: I assumed since no other manager had even done such a good job that no one else ever would again. I also assumed that I could / would not adjust well to another manager.

Catastrophizing: My skillful friend would no longer be my manager. We were losing a real treasure. It was all downhill from there.

Emotional reasoning: I was sad and surprised. This greatly shaped my initial reaction (thoughts).

Should: While not explicit in the thoughts listed above, at a deeper level, my thoughts likely contained should – such as “He should stay.” or “I should leave, too.”

Labeling: I said “this stinks” as if that one word could sum up the entire situation.

Personalization: My initial reaction was all about me. It did not consider anyone else.

Blaming: Again, while not explicit in the thoughts above, there could have been another thought that blamed my friend / manager for the sadness I felt.

3. Is this thought true? What is the evidence that this thought is true?

No. I could not assume to know what it would be like to work with a different manager or how that manager’s performance would be.

4. To what extent is this thought true (e.g., some times, occasionally, often)? Look out for words like always and never.

No one … ever …

5. Check for emotionally charged words, such as labels (e.g., stupid, jerk, devastating, horrible). Maintain perspective.

stinks

6. Realistically consider the worst case scenario – briefly. If the thought is true, how will you survive, cope, and overcome the situation?

I can survive and learn to work with a different manager. The world has not ended.

7. Talk to yourself compassionately. Note the positive.

I am blessed to have had the opportunity to work with this manager, and I am very happy that he will be doing more of the type of work he most enjoys.

8. Based on your work above, create a substitute thought that is accurate, realistic, and maintains perspective.

After I got past the initial shock and got to thinking more clearly – this is what I thought:

I am sad to hear this news. I was not expecting it. It has been an enormous blessing to work with Ed, and I will miss him. While the next manager may not be as much of a delight, I will make the best of it. I work with a great group of people, and we will get through this together.  I am excited that Ed will be doing the work he most enjoys. He is so gifted in that area. I will miss him but wish him the very best and will look forward to staying in touch.

Over time, as you practice this process, you can learn to do this in real-time. That’s when the greatest benefits come in. And, as you repeatedly practice actively managing your thoughts, the nature of your thoughts will likely change, so that your automatic thoughts contain fewer distortions or errors.

In my last blog entry, I invited you on a journey of taking out the “mental trash” – messages that clog our minds, burden our hearts, quash our spirits, and interfere with our ability to lead an authentic life. I suggested you start keeping  a log of these distressing thoughts. This week I’m introducing you to a system for identifying errors (i.e., distorted ways of thinking) in those thoughts.

Below are some of the most common categories of thinking errors . Don’t be alarmed when you realize “I do all of these!” We all do. As  you read through the list, think of your own examples – and see which are your most frequent offenders.

All or nothing thinking: You think of things in terms of black or white terms.

It’s my way or the highway.

You’re a success or a failure.

Blaming: You attribute your feelings and/or situation to someone or something else.

It’s your fault I’m angry.

I can’t have a good time if you aren’t with me.

They didn’t give me a choice.

Catastrophizing or minimizing: You grossly overestimate or underestimate the impact of a situation.

I really thought that he was the one; I guess I’ll die an old maid.

I didn’t hurt anyone on my way home; I told you I can hold my liquor.

Emotional reasoning: You allow your feelings to determine your thoughts.

I pushed her buttons because I felt like arguing.

I’m too (emotionally) tired to care anymore.

If I’m having  a bad day, I’ll see to it that everyone’s having a bad day.

Filtering: You focus on certain aspects, to the exclusion of others.

A performance review praises your leadership skills and is critical of your documentation. You disregard the commendations and dwell on the criticism.

Jumping to conclusions: You assume the worst.

A friend does not call you on your birthday. You conclude she must be mad at you.

Labeling: You call yourself and/or others such things as “lazy,” “ignorant,” or “stupid.”

I can’t believe I said that; how could I be so stupid?!

He is a jerk.

Overgeneralization: Because something seems negative, you assume things will always go wrong.

A friend betrays your trust and you conclude that no one can be trusted.

Personalization: You take personally something that may have little or nothing to do with you.

You hear co-workers snickering and assume they are laughing at you.

Should: You declare that what is should not be.

That should not have happened.

You should have known what I meant.

I should be able to do this.

Familiarize yourself with the thinking error types and begin training yourself to realize when you are engaging in distorted ways of thinking. In the next post, I’ll walk you through a process of changing your thoughts.

See if you can top this … My Dad got a new knee for Christmas.

The old one had been bothering him for years. For several years, over-the-counter meds and strengthening exercises helped and enabled him to delay surgery. Then he tried injections of a lubricant gel that is derived from chicken combs. And this, too, provided some relief and delay. But eventually, he could no longer postpone the inevitable. It was time for a knee upgrade – to “Knee 2.0.” Knee 2.0 is a stainless steel replacement that will, after rehabilitation, allow him to walk in comfort for decades to come.

I saw my Dad a few weeks ago, just after the 28 post-operative staples were removed. He was walking with the assistance of one crutch, yet there was a gleam in his eye that said the pain of the process was worth it, and he eagerly anticipates the renewed sense of freedom he will have thanks to the knee pain being vanquished.

This tangible truth is mirrored in the intangible world. Sometimes we carry thought patterns with us long after they have exceeded their useful life.

Once upon a time, they may have worked for us. They may have even helped us survive. But in our present circumstances, they are no longer necessary or desirable.

Let me start with a simplistic example. “Don’t talk to strangers.” Did you hear that one as a child? Indeed, at certain points in life, such directives may have kept us safe. But as an adult, do you still let that shape your daily interactions? Probably not. So why is it that other messages seem to stick, even though they’re just as out-dated?

How about this one – “You will never amount to anything.”

Even as we transition into adulthood, gain more influence over our world and our choices, some messages stay ingrained in us. So much so, that we never stop to question if they are true, accurate, or applicable. They can be like white-noise – stealthfully shaping our day-to-day decisions without even registering at a conscious level.

Sometimes we can get by for a time – despite their presence. But how much freer might we live if we were able to discard these worn-out lies for something more suiting – something true and life-giving?

Just like my Dad’s knee surgery, this is a process, and it may involve pain. But in the end, you can be set free.

The first step is to become aware of your inner dialogue. For some, these thoughts are like Old Faithful. When we get tired, stressed, angry, or lonely, we know what’s going to pop up. Others aren’t as obvious. So become an investigator. When you feel dis-ease whirling around inside of you – take a seat and observe your thoughts. Listen for old worn out messages and write them down.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll walk you through the process of challenging distorted, worn-out, painful thoughts and lies. I hope you’ll join me for the journey.